My Angel Child

My darling Emma, words fail me when it comes to you my little perfect princess, so many unresolved emotions. All these years, and I still can barely breath when memories of you arise, the thought of you, the possibility of you…

Trauma runs deep. I’ve failed in how to communicate my grief since losing you. So instead, I fly. I write. I blog. I vlog. I post. I love. I create. I journal. I eat. I sleep. I make friends. I make plans. I fly some more. I try to find meaning. And the days become weeks, then months, then years, four to be exact.

The months you lived in me were some of my most precious months, feeling you kicking, turning, fussing… I miss you lovely child, my forever angel. Daddy misses you. Jan misses you. We talk about you a lot. All the time. The sadness lingers, the fragility of life… the empty space that was yours to fill stretches to all eternity… We wish you were here. We talk like you never left, but we know you’re hopelessly gone.

Not a day goes by when I don’t imagine how different life would have been had you survived. I miss you, and I think of you at every turn. I think of you when I’m gone. I think of you when I come back. I think of you in the middle of the night like now. I think of you all the time.

The insanity that the world spins madly on without you my darling Emma… the lunacy of waking up every day in a world without you… Yet life has gone on as it must, albeit forever changed. For you I live. For you I take chances. I forge ahead without you. I try to find meaning…

Emma’s actual feet

I trust you’re not alone, that you’ve met your other siblings gone before you; kiss them for me. Know that you’re all very much loved, deeply cared for, forever cherished. Keep each other warm, hearts entwined forever, until we meet again. Your memory is my every sunset, my every song,  my every happiness, my every dance… Rest easy Emma Grey, we love you so very much.

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